Surviving the Loss of a Child: Support for Grieving Parents by Elizabeth B. Brown

Author:Elizabeth B. Brown [Brown, Elizabeth B.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: book, Ebook
ISBN: 9780800733568
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2010-03-01T08:00:00+00:00

10

A Word to the Wise

Friends are not the only ones who seek to help a family. Three types of professional caregivers—doctors, nurses, and ministers—have unique roles in helping us deal with the tragic death of a child. Each has the opportunity to help or to create additional pain.

Doctors

Most children are pronounced dead in a hospital, and doctors usually bear the tragic news. It is important that they focus on three realities:

1. There is no easy way to be told your child is dying or dead.

2. To a parent, no amount of brain damage, limb damage, paralysis, illness, or burn will justify the child’s death.

3. The doctor’s presentation can make a significant difference in the family’s initial acceptance of their child’s death.

I am the wife of a doctor and have a great deal of respect for the medical profession. Most are genuine, caring individuals. It is easy to agonize with them when they face the tragic death of a young person. As a parent, I also sat on the side of the bed, waiting for the verdict. I know some doctors handle the situation far better than others. The neurosurgeon who cared for LeeAnne was a gem. You could feel his hurt for her—and his caring for us. He never presented the full tragic reality of her situation in one thrust. He gave us time. “We’ll watch.” “Things don’t look good, but let’s just wait and see.”

Another physician examined Lee and let us know: “She’s blind. She’ll never be able to talk again. She probably will be a vegetable. The pressure must have blown most of her brain.” He was painting the truth. She might have died at any moment, so he wanted to help us face reality. My reaction? No! You don’t know. She can recover. Children bounce back. You are leaving God out of your picture. No!

My response was the same as when, panic stricken, I took twelve puppies in to the veterinarian. The six-week-old, healthy-looking animals were having convulsions from worms. The mother dog had not been wormed before she became pregnant, so she passed the vermin to the pups. The vet looked at the puppies and assured me they would all die. My backbone straightened. No way! They would not die. I would help them live. Bottle-feeding, medicinegiving Nurse Betty came to the rescue. I fed the babies every hour around the clock, and only two of the litter died.

No question, we needed to face reality about LeeAnne’s condition— but not reality without hope.

Lee’s pediatrician, Dr. Boyce Berry, arrived the third morning. Obviously he had not slept well. He sat with us, hurting, shaking his head, “I just don’t know. I just don’t know what else we can do.” I wanted to hug him and let him know it was all right. God would have to handle this problem. Why wasn’t I angry that he couldn’t find a solution? Because I knew he was trying. He was almost in tears. He was quiet, taking time to let us know he felt our suffering.

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